I haven't worked outside of the home now since the end of November. Which means Melina and I have spent quite a bit of quality (and non-quality) time together. Whether or not I am going crazy from not working is another post for another day. What I am talking about today is Melina's dependence upon me.
I thought, when we got rid of the nursing, that I'd see a bit of independence flare up from her. And I think I did. But then, two months later, I took a hiatus from work. Brooke has been over from time to time, when I need to get things done, or I'd just like to volunteer without a mini-me by my side. Usually, Melina does well. And, she does go to school two times a week.
Last week and today, though, Melina has decided that she doesn't want to go to school. Why? Because she wants to stay with mommy. I tried to tell her that really, I am not all that appealing. But in her head, I am her favorite person. I tried to tell her that I have things to do that are easier without her; she didn't understand why she just couldn't come with me. I also tried to tell her that school is important, that she learns there, and that she has so much fun with her teachers and classmates. She just looked up at me, tears spilling over her bottom eyelids, her lip quivering.
I got her in the car today, where she still whimpered at me. I carried her into the building, helped her hang her things up, and went to give her my customary hug and smooch. On a normal day, she'd have kissed me on both cheeks and said goodbye. She'd have run gladly into the classroom. Today, she hid behind me, tugged on my legs, and had to be pushed into the room. Mrs. F, the director, picked her up and gave her a giant bear hug. When I left, she was still holding Melina, and I was in tears.
And so, I think I need a job. A job that takes me away from the house. It is too late for me to pick up a class in the spring schedule, I think. Even though it won't start until the end of March, the good times have been picked over, and I'd be stuck with paying more for the sitter than I was making, since I'd have the bad times. I could tutor, but most of the tutoring jobs would likely be after school, when I am most needed for help with homework or to pose as the chauffeur. I guess I could do more work for my friend out in New Jersey, and just take my tablet to the library to do it.
It is sad, for me at least, that a few hours away from Melina each day or two just might be what she actually needs to be a bit more independent. How does that work? It seems a bit out of wack, really. But I know that the other kids did the same thing. The more they saw that I would leave and come back, they knew that I would, indeed, come back, and that mommy would be there for them. So I know that she is on track, but it breaks my heart to think that not only might I need to find some time to schedule away from her, but that I might also have to endure the tears that come with dropping her off at school. This is a little unexpected from Melina, of all people. Kids do that do you, though: keep you guessing.
I thought, when we got rid of the nursing, that I'd see a bit of independence flare up from her. And I think I did. But then, two months later, I took a hiatus from work. Brooke has been over from time to time, when I need to get things done, or I'd just like to volunteer without a mini-me by my side. Usually, Melina does well. And, she does go to school two times a week.
Last week and today, though, Melina has decided that she doesn't want to go to school. Why? Because she wants to stay with mommy. I tried to tell her that really, I am not all that appealing. But in her head, I am her favorite person. I tried to tell her that I have things to do that are easier without her; she didn't understand why she just couldn't come with me. I also tried to tell her that school is important, that she learns there, and that she has so much fun with her teachers and classmates. She just looked up at me, tears spilling over her bottom eyelids, her lip quivering.
I got her in the car today, where she still whimpered at me. I carried her into the building, helped her hang her things up, and went to give her my customary hug and smooch. On a normal day, she'd have kissed me on both cheeks and said goodbye. She'd have run gladly into the classroom. Today, she hid behind me, tugged on my legs, and had to be pushed into the room. Mrs. F, the director, picked her up and gave her a giant bear hug. When I left, she was still holding Melina, and I was in tears.
And so, I think I need a job. A job that takes me away from the house. It is too late for me to pick up a class in the spring schedule, I think. Even though it won't start until the end of March, the good times have been picked over, and I'd be stuck with paying more for the sitter than I was making, since I'd have the bad times. I could tutor, but most of the tutoring jobs would likely be after school, when I am most needed for help with homework or to pose as the chauffeur. I guess I could do more work for my friend out in New Jersey, and just take my tablet to the library to do it.
It is sad, for me at least, that a few hours away from Melina each day or two just might be what she actually needs to be a bit more independent. How does that work? It seems a bit out of wack, really. But I know that the other kids did the same thing. The more they saw that I would leave and come back, they knew that I would, indeed, come back, and that mommy would be there for them. So I know that she is on track, but it breaks my heart to think that not only might I need to find some time to schedule away from her, but that I might also have to endure the tears that come with dropping her off at school. This is a little unexpected from Melina, of all people. Kids do that do you, though: keep you guessing.
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