Control
I took it upon myself to do a little cleaning today, considering we might have weekend guests. I will confess that I do not clean every week, as I should, although the kitchen and the bathrooms get wiped down quite often. The toilets especially get time from me. And we vacuum incessantly, so I don't think we are living in filth.
But cleaning got me thinking, of the days before Tim and the kids. To the times when I kept my apartment spotless. If I had more time now, I would find myself trying for that here. But I learned long ago that certain things take priority, and the welfare of the kids and their homework comes before a house that has been ridden of the dust. And then I thought, where does this need for this cleanliness come from? Why do I cringe at all the clutter?
I am no therapist, but I think it stems from my need for some level of control in my life. Which means we need to go way back here. To a time that I still lived at home with my parents. No, I am not here to blame my parents for this. But I can say that, as we all probably did, for much of my early life, there wasn't much I could control.* I had no control over how my parents ran the house. I had no control over whether or not I had good friends. I had no control over which direction my early life would take. This doesn't matter for some people, like Tim, but for me, I think I internalized my shaky and uncomfortable feelings and channeled them into controlling what I could.
I don't know if that is really true, but I do think to some degree it is. I feel comfort in a clean and decluttered home. I like things to have their places, and I find that I get discombobulated by too much stuff. In fact, I've been known to get downright crabby when the weekend comes and too many things are strewn about the house. I apologize to my family for those times.
The situation could have been worse, I think. I'm grateful I chose something somewhat benign to call a neurosis.
*I realize that someone here might say something to the effect that we all have some control over the things about which I spoke. And that is true. For example, I was raised to be polite and kind, and you'd think a person like that would have many friends. Sadly, that isn't the case. Therefore, my perception that I had no control over it. In the end, I made decisions and had to live with the consequences of those decisions. But, as I always like to say, that topic is for another post.
But cleaning got me thinking, of the days before Tim and the kids. To the times when I kept my apartment spotless. If I had more time now, I would find myself trying for that here. But I learned long ago that certain things take priority, and the welfare of the kids and their homework comes before a house that has been ridden of the dust. And then I thought, where does this need for this cleanliness come from? Why do I cringe at all the clutter?
I am no therapist, but I think it stems from my need for some level of control in my life. Which means we need to go way back here. To a time that I still lived at home with my parents. No, I am not here to blame my parents for this. But I can say that, as we all probably did, for much of my early life, there wasn't much I could control.* I had no control over how my parents ran the house. I had no control over whether or not I had good friends. I had no control over which direction my early life would take. This doesn't matter for some people, like Tim, but for me, I think I internalized my shaky and uncomfortable feelings and channeled them into controlling what I could.
I don't know if that is really true, but I do think to some degree it is. I feel comfort in a clean and decluttered home. I like things to have their places, and I find that I get discombobulated by too much stuff. In fact, I've been known to get downright crabby when the weekend comes and too many things are strewn about the house. I apologize to my family for those times.
The situation could have been worse, I think. I'm grateful I chose something somewhat benign to call a neurosis.
*I realize that someone here might say something to the effect that we all have some control over the things about which I spoke. And that is true. For example, I was raised to be polite and kind, and you'd think a person like that would have many friends. Sadly, that isn't the case. Therefore, my perception that I had no control over it. In the end, I made decisions and had to live with the consequences of those decisions. But, as I always like to say, that topic is for another post.
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