Control

I took it upon myself to do a little cleaning today, considering we might have weekend guests.  I will confess that I do not clean every week, as I should, although the kitchen and the bathrooms get wiped down quite often.  The toilets especially get time from me.  And we vacuum incessantly, so I don't think we are living in filth.

But cleaning got me thinking, of the days before Tim and the kids.  To the times when I kept my apartment spotless.  If I had more time now, I would find myself trying for that here.  But I learned long ago that certain things take priority, and the welfare of the kids and their homework comes before a house that has been ridden of the dust.  And then I thought, where does this need for this cleanliness come from?  Why do I cringe at all the clutter?

I am no therapist, but I think it stems from my need for some level of control in my life.  Which means we need to go way back here.  To a time that I still lived at home with my parents.  No, I am not here to blame my parents for this.  But I can say that, as we all probably did, for much of my early life, there wasn't much I could control.*  I had no control over how my parents ran the house.  I had no control over whether or not I had good friends.  I had no control over which direction my early life would take.  This doesn't matter for some people, like Tim, but for me, I think I internalized my shaky and uncomfortable feelings and channeled them into controlling what I could. 

I don't know if that is really true, but I do think to some degree it is.  I feel comfort in a clean and decluttered home.  I like things to have their places, and I find that I get discombobulated by too much stuff.  In fact, I've been known to get downright crabby when the weekend comes and too many things are strewn about the house.  I apologize to my family for those times.

The situation could have been worse, I think.  I'm grateful I chose something somewhat benign to call a neurosis.

*I realize that someone here might say something to the effect that we all have some control over the things about which I spoke.  And that is true.  For example, I was raised to be polite and kind, and you'd think a person like that would have many friends.  Sadly, that isn't the case.  Therefore, my perception that I had no control over it.  In the end, I made decisions and had to live with the consequences of those decisions.  But, as I always like to say, that topic is for another post.

Comments

cryptozoologist said…
well, chris, thats all we have time for today. i think we made excellent progress. till next time.
Christina said…
I wish I could 'Like' comments, Dave. I would do that to yours!

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