Thursday, June 25, 2015


Warning: This might just be my most inappropriate blog post yet. (I'm sure you can tell by the red, bold, italicized words right?) So that means no kids should be reading this. (Ahem, Zoe and Talia.) That also means that many of you might be turned off by the language used in this blog post. They're just words, you know? And I've given you fair warning.

I try so hard NOT to be crude when it comes to expletives. (Sweet bacon crackers, anyone? Or my favorite exclamations?) I usually keep my mouth in check, mostly for the sake of the children. But this summer? Well, things have changed. My life has been caught in a cycle of lather, rinse, repeat unlike any other I've experienced before, and my penchant for foul language has bubbled to the surface and stayed there.

Over the past month or so, I've started cataloging scenes for a story of these not-so-lazy, curse-infused summer days in my head. So far, the most germane title I've come up with is That Fucking Summer. Alternatively, The Summer of Fuck would be quite suitable. The only problem with that second title is that it could be read in two different ways. And let me be honest...that second meaning? Well, that ain't happening around here. Why? Because it takes two to make that happen, and when one of us--read that me--is perpetually on the road, it can't happen.

Anyway, I've recently learned that I need a much stronger word to go to than fuck. (You might ask yourself how I've learned this. Believe me, when you cuss on every phone call to your sisters...when you find the curse words perched on your lips, brought there by the simple act of looking at the caller ID and seeing two numbers in quickly understand what words work and what don't. Trust me.) So I found myself wondering: is there a more powerful word than fuck? Could I find a word that makes me feel as good as fuck does when it leaves my mouth?

I've already tried out all the variants of fuck: motherfucker, clusterfuck, son of a fuck, fucker, fucking, etc. I've also used some less offensive words such shitballs, damn, holy hell, and the like. I've even gone so far as to try to come up with a random word to fit the situation of the day. For example, I decided that ratatouille would be my expletive of choice for one day. Ratatouille confused the kids because I could, of course, use it front of them. Melina especially looked at me quizzically, stopping me every so often to check and see if we could watch the movie of the same name.  I've auditioned several other words--beans, ragtime, and farmer. None of those words gave me the visceral release that I get when I use fuck. Or fuckers. Or fucking.

About this time, you're probably asking yourself another question: Why is she using that word so much? What in the world is going on that she needs to cuss so fucking often? (See what I did there? I hate when people say that. If the readers see it, they see it. If not, who gives a fuck? Ha-ha!) Remember, I always ask you not to judge, and I'm asking you now not to. Just know that my life, in the present time, requires me to have the mouth of a sailor. Okay, it doesn't require it. But if cursing helps me deal with the stress, so be it. I could be abusing something far worse than words, you know.

Well yesterday, I had enough of my foul mouth and figured that an alternative had to exist somewhere. So I Googled, "word stronger than fuck" and found two absolutely appropriate (and yet not) categories of alternatives for me.
  1. Foreign language expletives. I'd thought of this alternative on my own, but the only language I know is French, and I don't remember it all that well. However, some of the curses provided at the site are phenomenal. The only problem is, I'll probably find myself laughing as I say, "Apedick!" or "I shit in the milk!" Just an FYI: the first expletive was taken from German (Affenschwanz) and the second from Spanish (me cago en la leche).   
  2. Combined expletives. Combine two of your favorite cuss words and get something like shfuck. According to Urban Dictionary, shfuck means, "To say shit and fuck in the same or one word. Not to be confused with the physical act of both words." (Thank goodness they clarified that definition, you know?)
Two good options, I think, but not great because part of the allure of a word comes in ease of use. The only way I won't laugh when using the first choice is if I learn to say them in their native languages. And the second option, while valuable, is still just a variant of fuck, right?

So I'm back to where I started in the first place. Fuck, fuck, fuckity-fuck.


Unknown said...

merd is shit in French
and SPALICK - that's arabic though I don't know the translation- you'll have to ask Awad on Saturday :)
Until then, carry on :)

Christina said...

Shit in French has never helped me, but thank you. I could, however, go for your second option. I will consult Awad.

Thank you!

Tanstaafl said...

Someone wise once said, that if ever you are at a loss for words: then Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious might just be the word for you.

Christina said...

Good thought, Tanstaafl. Not sure it will work, but it's worth a try!