Depression Hurts
I'm not a Twitter fiend, but I'm trying my best to get the hang of that form of social media. So when I read something I like, I consider tweeting it, or at least re-tweeting a tidbit that someone else has posted. Yesterday, I found (via Facebook) a link to The Good Men Project, as well as an article they had posted on their website entitled, "50 Sufferers Describe Depression for People Who've Never Been Depressed." In light of Robin Williams' passing on August 11, depression has been very much in the forefront of our minds. But one of the common themes I've heard is that many people had no idea Robin Williams was depressed. He'd taken his role of acting to the extreme, and did a very good job of covering up the fact that he had such a debilitating illness. That should be no surprise, really. Who wants to admit that they are depressed?
If you haven't read the article, I encourage you to do so. It's a simple list of what depression feels like, as told to Danny Baker, but the list is far from simple. All of the responses were thoughtful, real accounts of what a person with depression feels. All fifty of the ideas were different from one another; all of them heart-wrenching in their own way; all of them thought-provoking. This list, I'm sure, is meant to educate the masses--to put information out there for those people who have never experienced depression. To help them understand more clearly how one might feel if one were to have depression. Because in this case, the more information, the better.
But in all this talk about depression awareness, I have yet to see a touching, insightful article written from the other side of it--from the people who live with those who have it. Most of what I can find is written from the clinical perspective, where the author might possess the credentials to talk about depression because he or she has counseled many patients, but he or she has never lived with a person who suffers from the illness. So I'm here today to tell you what it's like to be on the other side. I can't promise an eloquent response and I might not use the correct terminology (I'm no therapist, after all.), but my discussion of this issue is sincere. And I hope you can walk away from reading this post with at least a tidbit of knowledge on what it's like to live with a person who lives with depression.
1. Depression affects everyone, not just the person who is depressed. Moods are contagious, and the ups and downs, and feeling of complete loss can completely overwhelm the people living with a depression sufferer. It is difficult to stay strong in the wake of such immense negativity.
2. You must listen, with good and gentle ears. Sometimes, it helps for the sufferer to simply talk. It's important to listen, really listen, without judgment.
3. But be prepared to have advice go unheeded. Even if the sufferer seems receptive to any advice you have to offer, that doesn't mean the person will take the advice. It's exhausting to watch that person make the same mistake repeatedly, but it will happen.
4. Even if you think you understand what a sufferer is going through, unless you've experienced it yourself before, you most likely do not. It is almost impossible to comprehend a feeling of "total loss of oneself" or "being trapped within a box" unless you've been there. And it is okay to say, I don't really understand what you are going through, but I'm here for you.
5. If you do offer your assistance, or say anything akin to, "I'm here for you," then you must mean it and follow through. No ifs, ands, or buts. Breaking the confidence of someone who lives with depression can spiral quickly out of control.
6. Depression wears many faces. Sometimes, a depressed person can be extremely happy, or at least they seem that way. And other times, the person can be experiencing a down like no other, and they might tell you that. The roller coaster ride is never fun, for anyone. But be aware that quick changes can happen. It doesn't mean the person is better, simply because they seem happy at the moment.
7. Many depression sufferers refuse to admit that they have it, and will hold to the notion that nothing is wrong with them for years. This can cause turmoil and upheaval for everyone--the person who has it, the family members, the friends, the teachers. Sadly, the depression sufferer may not recognize the awful truth: that by not facing up to the truth and seeking help with a potential issue, they are causing problems for those in their inner circle and possibly beyond.
8. Anger can be a harrowing symptom of depression to deal with when you are on the other side, especially when you are a child and you see the anger but don't understand the root cause of it.
9. It's almost impossible not to feel as though you've done something wrong if someone suffering from depression lashes out at you or snubs you. Try to remember that you are not the problem, that there is likely a chemical imbalance at work, something you did not have a hand in. Be patient and tolerant, but don't let the behavior go unacknowledged.
10. You might feel resentment toward someone who suffers from depression, for a multitude of reasons. This is normal and it is okay. You shouldn't feel guilty, but if the person is willing, try to talk about it. Communication is key.
My list could continue, I'm sure. If I toss this post into cyberspace and ask for anyone out there to contact me, and let me know what it's like to live with a person who suffers from depression (much like Danny Baker did), I'm certain I'd get more than a list of ten items that could be shared. But I only have so much time, and I don't like to belabor any points.
Which I guess brings me to my point. And that is this: As the commercial says, depression hurts. But it doesn't just hurt the people who suffer from the disorder. It hurts many people, on many levels. Depression is a beast like no other, and the more we talk about it, perhaps the more we'll understand it.
If you haven't read the article, I encourage you to do so. It's a simple list of what depression feels like, as told to Danny Baker, but the list is far from simple. All of the responses were thoughtful, real accounts of what a person with depression feels. All fifty of the ideas were different from one another; all of them heart-wrenching in their own way; all of them thought-provoking. This list, I'm sure, is meant to educate the masses--to put information out there for those people who have never experienced depression. To help them understand more clearly how one might feel if one were to have depression. Because in this case, the more information, the better.
But in all this talk about depression awareness, I have yet to see a touching, insightful article written from the other side of it--from the people who live with those who have it. Most of what I can find is written from the clinical perspective, where the author might possess the credentials to talk about depression because he or she has counseled many patients, but he or she has never lived with a person who suffers from the illness. So I'm here today to tell you what it's like to be on the other side. I can't promise an eloquent response and I might not use the correct terminology (I'm no therapist, after all.), but my discussion of this issue is sincere. And I hope you can walk away from reading this post with at least a tidbit of knowledge on what it's like to live with a person who lives with depression.
1. Depression affects everyone, not just the person who is depressed. Moods are contagious, and the ups and downs, and feeling of complete loss can completely overwhelm the people living with a depression sufferer. It is difficult to stay strong in the wake of such immense negativity.
2. You must listen, with good and gentle ears. Sometimes, it helps for the sufferer to simply talk. It's important to listen, really listen, without judgment.
3. But be prepared to have advice go unheeded. Even if the sufferer seems receptive to any advice you have to offer, that doesn't mean the person will take the advice. It's exhausting to watch that person make the same mistake repeatedly, but it will happen.
4. Even if you think you understand what a sufferer is going through, unless you've experienced it yourself before, you most likely do not. It is almost impossible to comprehend a feeling of "total loss of oneself" or "being trapped within a box" unless you've been there. And it is okay to say, I don't really understand what you are going through, but I'm here for you.
5. If you do offer your assistance, or say anything akin to, "I'm here for you," then you must mean it and follow through. No ifs, ands, or buts. Breaking the confidence of someone who lives with depression can spiral quickly out of control.
6. Depression wears many faces. Sometimes, a depressed person can be extremely happy, or at least they seem that way. And other times, the person can be experiencing a down like no other, and they might tell you that. The roller coaster ride is never fun, for anyone. But be aware that quick changes can happen. It doesn't mean the person is better, simply because they seem happy at the moment.
7. Many depression sufferers refuse to admit that they have it, and will hold to the notion that nothing is wrong with them for years. This can cause turmoil and upheaval for everyone--the person who has it, the family members, the friends, the teachers. Sadly, the depression sufferer may not recognize the awful truth: that by not facing up to the truth and seeking help with a potential issue, they are causing problems for those in their inner circle and possibly beyond.
8. Anger can be a harrowing symptom of depression to deal with when you are on the other side, especially when you are a child and you see the anger but don't understand the root cause of it.
9. It's almost impossible not to feel as though you've done something wrong if someone suffering from depression lashes out at you or snubs you. Try to remember that you are not the problem, that there is likely a chemical imbalance at work, something you did not have a hand in. Be patient and tolerant, but don't let the behavior go unacknowledged.
10. You might feel resentment toward someone who suffers from depression, for a multitude of reasons. This is normal and it is okay. You shouldn't feel guilty, but if the person is willing, try to talk about it. Communication is key.
My list could continue, I'm sure. If I toss this post into cyberspace and ask for anyone out there to contact me, and let me know what it's like to live with a person who suffers from depression (much like Danny Baker did), I'm certain I'd get more than a list of ten items that could be shared. But I only have so much time, and I don't like to belabor any points.
Which I guess brings me to my point. And that is this: As the commercial says, depression hurts. But it doesn't just hurt the people who suffer from the disorder. It hurts many people, on many levels. Depression is a beast like no other, and the more we talk about it, perhaps the more we'll understand it.
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