Offers
Someone recently said to me, "Don't offer that if you don't mean it." I can't remember exactly what I offered, but my response was quick and easy.
"Oh, I won't," I said. "I have too much to do that doesn't involve everyone else. If I don't mean it, I won't offer."
I hold to that statement in my life. If I see a friend who looks harried, and I think I can help by watching her child, I'll offer to do just that. But if I can't do it, or I don't want to, I don't even bring up the subject. The same can be said for my volunteer time at school, or even catching up with a friend over coffee. If I don't feel that I can extend a genuine offer, than I just don't.
Not everyone feels the same way, though, and while I cannot judge them (You know me, I really try not to do that.), I can at least say that casually tossing in an offer to do something when you don't really mean it sort of rubs me the wrong way. (Who am I kidding? It really bothers me.)
So do not throw out, in conversation, how we should get together at a specific place and then not follow up with an actual invitation. Do not tell me you'll take the kids and not follow up with me about it. (This does not mean you, Cindy.) And do not send me an email, closing it with: "We should get together sometime," unless you truly mean it. Because over the last couple of years, I've turned over a new leaf. I've started calling out certain behaviors. And in my world, I will contact you to set up a meeting, and you will be forced to do one of three things.
So let's learn something from this situation. If you don''t want to get together or do something for me, then don't say it in the first place. Your offer should be genuine, or it shouldn't happen at all. Talk about leading an authentic life. You can start there.
"Oh, I won't," I said. "I have too much to do that doesn't involve everyone else. If I don't mean it, I won't offer."
I hold to that statement in my life. If I see a friend who looks harried, and I think I can help by watching her child, I'll offer to do just that. But if I can't do it, or I don't want to, I don't even bring up the subject. The same can be said for my volunteer time at school, or even catching up with a friend over coffee. If I don't feel that I can extend a genuine offer, than I just don't.
Not everyone feels the same way, though, and while I cannot judge them (You know me, I really try not to do that.), I can at least say that casually tossing in an offer to do something when you don't really mean it sort of rubs me the wrong way. (Who am I kidding? It really bothers me.)
So do not throw out, in conversation, how we should get together at a specific place and then not follow up with an actual invitation. Do not tell me you'll take the kids and not follow up with me about it. (This does not mean you, Cindy.) And do not send me an email, closing it with: "We should get together sometime," unless you truly mean it. Because over the last couple of years, I've turned over a new leaf. I've started calling out certain behaviors. And in my world, I will contact you to set up a meeting, and you will be forced to do one of three things.
- Admit that you don't have time. (Which is a lie, I know. And if you hadn't extended an insincere offer in the first place, you wouldn't have to lie.)
- Admit that you didn't mean what you said. (That would be tough for anyone to do. But if you did that, I'd respect you just for being truthful.)
- Not respond because you're not sure what to do. (The worst option of all. Now, I just really dislike you and how you deal with perceived conflict.)
So let's learn something from this situation. If you don''t want to get together or do something for me, then don't say it in the first place. Your offer should be genuine, or it shouldn't happen at all. Talk about leading an authentic life. You can start there.
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