Speaking Loudly

I try not to be a yeller.

I don't have a better term for what I mean, but I am sure you get my drift. I don't think yelling is very effective for dealing with children in the long term. Sure, it gets the job done at the time, but as for helping them learn the lesson and carry it forward, I don't think yelling works; it just makes the kids resentful later on.

Yesterday after school, I left Melina with Zoe and Talia so that I could bring Aaron to an appointment. The twins seemed a bit tired after school, but I didn't push anything, because we needed to be somewhere by 3:15 pm. I thanked them for watching Melina, said goodbye and I love yous, and headed out.

When Aaron and I returned, I checked on everyone. Progress had been made on homework, and snacks had been eaten. I headed into the kitchen to see what dishes needed to be done, and on the island, an envelope caught my eye. The envelope had not been there when I left. I picked it up, turned it over, and smirked. This is what it said:

Dear Mommy. Please do not yell when you open this. We love you. Zoe and Talia.

I knew immediately what was inside. The fifth grade has a pretty good system down at our school. They really want you to master the material, so they give you chances to make up work if you are late about it, BUT they do require a late slip to be sent home that needs to be signed by the parent.

Over the course of the year, the girls have not received late slips, but I have nagged them to check their planners.

Me: Are you sure you don't have homework.
Them: Uh, well, just math. I just finished it.
Me: Then why does the planner mention a paragraph in reading that is due?
Them: Oh, I forgot.
Me: YOU ARE IN 5TH GRADE! THIS IS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY, NOT MINE. I WILL NO LONGER BE CHECKING YOUR PLANNER. DO YOU THINK I'LL BE LOOKING IN YOUR PLANNER IN COLLEGE?
Them: Probably not.

It's been tough, but I've held myself responsible by not touching the planner. And over the weekend, when the math packet had been accomplished and the piano all done, I only mentioned other homework once.

Me: Are you sure you've done all your homework?
Them: Yep.
Me: Okay.

Apparently, they hadn't done all the assignments over the weekend because inside that bright white envelope the girls had tucked their late slips. I opened it, knowing EXACTLY what was inside (sometimes it is incredible how moms just have that intuition, you know?) and read the short letters. I walked into the study area and asked them about it.

Me: I see you both have late slips here.
Them: Yes.
Me: What happened?
Them: We didn't check our planners.
Me: I knew this would happen, but I didn't want to look at your planner. Your assignments are your responsibility, right? Not mine. How does this make you feel?

The tears flowed, from both girls. They were upset with themselves and I realized in that moment that the actual act of getting the late slip was punishment enough for them. They were disappointed and embarrassed and felt bad enough that anything I did would have been overkill. We discussed what needed to be done (again) and hopefully, we'll move forward.

Sometimes I think it's the feeling inside yourself that appears when you mess up that speaks the loudest.